For the newcomer

Am I a love addict?

The honest patterns people recognise, with no labels and no verdicts. A gentle look at what helps, and where to go when you are ready.

If you are asking the question at all, some part of you already senses the answer is worth looking at. That does not make you anything, and you do not have to decide what you are today.

'Love addiction' is a contested phrase outside the fellowship that uses it, and plenty of people who end up on this page are not sure it fits. That is fine. The useful question is not whether a label is accurate. It is whether love and relationships are quietly costing you more than they give you back.

What people often notice

No single one of these settles it, and having a few does not hand you a label. These are patterns that people in SLAA often say they recognised in themselves, long before anyone used a word about it.

  • You find yourself returning to the same person after it has hurt you repeatedly, hoping this time will be different.
  • You idealise someone early, decide they are the one within hours or days, and feel a crash when the picture does not hold up.
  • You cannot bear being alone, and move from one relationship or crush straight into the next without a gap.
  • You know the relationship is not good for you, and the thought of leaving still feels unsurvivable.
  • You check their phone, their messages or their social media in a way you would not want anyone to see.
  • You stay longer than you meant to, or go back after you promised yourself you would not, and feel ashamed afterwards.
  • You lose sleep, work or friendships to the intensity, and tell yourself it is love rather than a pattern.
  • You feel panic or emptiness when they do not reply, and relief that feels like oxygen when they do.
  • You find yourself avoiding closeness instead, keeping people at arm's length, saying no to things you quietly want.
  • You use fantasy, dating apps or a crush at work to fill a feeling, and the hit gets shorter each time.

What is not on this list

If almost nothing on that list fits and love still feels hard, that is worth listening to as well. People struggle quietly in all sorts of ways, and no list catches every shape of it. A few ticks does not label you anything, and no ticks does not mean there is nothing worth looking at.

If this feels familiar

If this feels familiar, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) is a free, anonymous fellowship where people recognise each other through these same patterns, with no fees and no referral. SLAA covers both sides of the same experience: the chasing and the avoidance. Many people find that the avoidance side, which SLAA calls anorexia, is more their shape than the acting-out side. The fellowship's own self-assessments, the 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis and the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction, are the right place to reflect on whether it speaks to you, not us.

What people try this week

  • Say it out loud, in your own words, to one person you trust. Not as a confession, just as information.
  • If you are in a cycle with one person, put a short pause on contact, even forty-eight hours, so you can hear your own thinking again.
  • Read SLAA's 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis and the Characteristics of Sex and Love Addiction, slowly, as a mirror rather than a test. Nobody but you sees your answers.
  • Sit in on one online SLAA meeting with your camera off, and just listen. Most SLAA meetings in the UK are online, with some in person, and you do not have to speak.
  • If this started after a loss, abuse or something that still hurts to think about, consider a therapist alongside. The fellowship is good at the pattern. A therapist is good at the ground underneath it.

You do not have to call yourself a love addict, now or ever. The word is not the point. If the patterns here keep showing up in your life, there is a free, anonymous room full of people who understand, and you can come and go as you need to.

Related